A Conversation on Life's Realizations

Last week I had a meaningful conversation with someone close to me.
For privacy, I won't put anything that would identify them since this blog is tied to my personal account.
We mostly shared about insights in life.
While some of them you've probably heard of already.  Well, it's just nice to be reminded once in a while when everything in the world deceives and betrays you.

The need to be accepted even if...
Sometimes we find ourselves having the desire to belong to something for different reasons.
Having a social community is often times healthy.
But what if the need is so great that you find yourself influenced by others' stereotypes and compromise your real self just to maintain the peace and still belong?
Forcing yourself to hang out even though deep inside you feel it's a waste of time, money and tolerating the belittlement they make you feel as well as criticism about their daily lives.
Fearing what they speak of you, giving your time to feed that paranoia.

Being strong with your own identity
As soon as you ask yourself, "What's the point?" then your mind starts to shift differently and be open to realizations.


Upon hearing these sharings, I suddenly began to recall this Bible verse I've read before.
Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
-It simply means to be careful of influences to your mind as it determines your course of action.


The door for change
If you want change in your life, you need to do something.
Stay in the covers and no one can see your worth.

The need for a positive haven
The outside world is harsh.  We all have heard about the positive thinking hype.
But it can be difficult when you're facing the world alone.
It's best to find other positive people who share your goals to empower you.
Your mood can make you like or dislike something.

Success
Success begins with yourself, you have to want it to take action.

Struggles and Dilemmas
You're not alone in your struggles, most people won't show the bad things in their life and keep up a good front.

When life brings you down, what are the life changing realizations you've had?

Still Love Your Perfect Dad

Qualities of a perfect dad. What are they?
In TV and movies, they often show dads who are supportive, patient, kind, and loving towards their children's development and safety.

But there's also the popular scenario where parents are or going through divorce, kids walking out when each of them tries to see someone else to move on with their lives, the nagging, the screaming, the hurting and everyone wants to quit, just like that.

But in truth, how many dads are actually good role models?

My love for Dad
One day, God revealed to me that I still hold all the bitterness I have for my dad in a test of faith.

It happened on a normal Sunday while on the way to the Church.

One of the behaviors of my dad was to either instantly switch the conversation topic or pretend he didn't hear anything by looking around then commenting something else even when you're addressing him.

Slightly upset but not wanting to cause an argument, I slammed the door a little forceful than usual and still ended up what I was trying to avoid. Rofl.
Pissed, he screamed and left us with the crowd wondering and watching.

Walking towards church,I ended up furious, murmuring curses and venting my anger to my mom.

Can you imagine how ironic it was? Going to church carrying anger when Christianity teaches:

"Honor your father and mother. Love your neighbor as yourself."


"But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell. (Matthew 5:22 NLT)"

I have been reading the book of Matthew lately as long advised by my friend and group leader. That last verse was a direct slap to my face.

I felt so much like a hypocrite and ashamed of attending Church. Thought of almost giving up of continuing any religion altogether.

But, I had no choice, for I invited my cousin to join me that Sunday.

I jokingly thought to myself, did God plant an insurance to keep me going? I never thought of inviting my cousin until the day before.

God's spoke?
We had a family gathering afterwards for it was a day before Chinese New Year and an advanced celebration of my aunt's birthday.
Afterwards, me and my family headed to Greenbelt to catch some movies.

It was during this time I heard a compelling voice within me that said, "This is the perfect time to apologize"
I felt I couldn't resist, so I swallowed my pride, and told my dad I'm sorry, and before I said anything further, he just asked, "Where do you want to eat"
Part of me wanted to laugh and part of me just got reminded of his annoying behavior.

But this time, it didn't matter so much and figured, it's probably his way of expressing "it's alright I still love you."

The history
When I was younger, I had so much hatred for my dad. I didn't want to see his face so much that when he arrived home, I would close my room door to avoid seeing him.

I had even visualized seeing him stabbed to death by someone and in a coffin.

You must be horrified to see such hatred.

And I am horrified to find out how horrible I am to come up with such thoughts.

As a child, I was sometimes beaten by the belt, leaving marks until the next day or two. My classmates even asked what they were and I didn't know what to answer. I still remember how tired I felt after such incident.

Sometimes while in the car, he threatened me to get off and leave me on the streets.

The most unforgettable experience was being dragged in or out of the room, yanking my hair which left me crying all night.

These happened as early as 4 to 5 years old and I still remember them til this day.

a broken image
As I grew older, I came to know certain realities and wondered how my mom ever coped with such a person.

His favorite
My dad loves alcohol. He loves it so much that quite often he comes home drunk. It was even more amazing how he still manages to get home.

His best friends
Television and food are his best friends. He could be a couch potato all day. Think Homer Simpson.  Yes even the outfit as well.  (just the bottom one).  Watching The Simpsons was always a delight.  I even remember being scolded by my mom for still watching cartoons when she expects me to watch informative shows until one day, she found it relevant with her life and watched together with us from there on. rofl

No time
Dad prioritized going out with his friends first than family. Doesn't get involved much on knowing who we are and what we do.

Negative and critical
My dad's mindset is unique.  He always nagged me over and over to strive for honors.  That in itself may sound good, but he would always compare us with other kids saying, "Look at person A, 1st honor, Person B, 2nd honor, you don't have honor."
I guess this type of negative motivation can be a challenge for some people to prove them wrong but not for me during that time.
Why?

1. I hated the fact that he expects me to listen to him when he doesn't really get involved with what I do.
2. He just dictates and doesn't show any of the attitudes he advises making him a hypocrite.

One night, I really got pissed off and replied back, "Why do you keep on comparing, do you want me to compare you to the other dads in this neighborhood?"
and he replied "Di bo papa lo" (You don't have a dad anymore).  It was his usual line to end the argument and passing the blame to me as if it were my fault to cause this whole thing.

Defeated and stubborn attitude
Everyday he would comment about how the world is hard, how business is bad, and other things that convinces him to not do anything anymore or even try.  The more you convince him, the more he'll find reasons and excuses.

The Dad effect
As a result, I constantly worry what I should do in life after school.  I became quite withdrawn and isolated myself from most people.  Having a foundation of negative thinking will certainly result to depression and I've struggled with it constantly.  I'd arrive home from school crying, thinking of painless ways just to end my life. But I wasn't ready to face the outcome of the pain back then.

Before this turns into an all drama and vent post, you may be wondering what's my purpose for enumerating the past when I should be moving on with my own life?

Because, I just want to share that he's still a perfect dad.

Wait.. are you serious? perfect?

God's perfect time to save me.
In time of my greatest despair, I was fortunate to have a very good friend who invited me to a weekly group gathering, studying the bible and sincerely praying for each other.  It gave me hope in life and the start of my healing process.

So what have I learned?
I'm grateful to God that despite these hurts, I am protected by His grace.

Because of my dad's negative and critical mindset, I learned to keep in mind the words I use so that I won't insult or discourage anyone for I know how sucky it can be.

I also saw and experienced how a defeated mindset can paralyze you, stopping you from ever growing.

It's not a good feeling to be always compared with other people. Focus on discovering and celebrating your own unique strength and abilities.

Instead of viewing unspent time to you as neglect, enjoy it as having free time to yourself.

Patience and looking beyond anger - when dealing with an angry person, be calm, be quiet. If you must respond, speak gently. Anger is a temporary and abnormal state of mind. Hold your ground and say to yourself not to take it personally. What matters is what the person does afterwards for it will reveal his true character. The solution.

Above all else, always rely on God. He is the best father you could ever have. We can't comprehend how His method makes sense but rest on His faithful heart and timing that it's for our best.

It's also in God's hands to transform people. You can only pray for them and control your own heart.

There are no perfect things nor people, but you can choose to grow a perfect heart to deal with everyday life.

And lastly, each one is a work in progress. Just remember to push 'up'

I can't say I'm completely strong now for I can still feel very insecure at times. But I hold on to this:

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. (Ezekiel 36:26 NLT)"

Dad today
Has my dad changed?
Gradually, he's a work in progress.

What is your idea of a perfect dad?

The Quicksand Trance and the Just in time Rescue Branch

A much delayed post.

Over the last few weeks, I felt I stepped into an emotional quicksand.
It wasn't something new. I guess each and everyone have their own moments of weakness and it's probably one of those days of the month that makes it worse.

So what do you do? Phone a friend? Ask Facebook? Or 50 searches and 50 answers in Google?

And when you do try to talk about it, quite often, a "what happened" phrase readily greets you.
Of course!

Not that it's wrong or anything. But there are times when you just suddenly feel "everything doesn't make sense anymore"
At least to you that is.

- you question your own existence
- you don't really know what you want anymore or grew tired of not getting to what you want for you're already unsure of what you want in the first place.

I hate to admit, it's quite pathetic to hit that thought in your life. Especially when you're in your late twenties.

I lay so defeated in tears
I was tired hitting this point all over again
I questioned my being and feeling disappointed with myself

As a result, I felt so burned out with every activity whether it was work or play. Like a zombie on autopilot, performing what I need to do, acting like nothing's wrong while my soul tries to tear my heart apart.

I eventually gave up reading the bible and listening to spiritual podcasts daily for I felt that continuing with it was pointless if I could fall back to this state again
I avoided my spiritual group meetings and Sunday service.
I didn't want to let anyone talk to me further about God or anymore scriptures.
I didn't make excuses either and told them bluntly that I'm spiritually burnt out.

Redemption- How God made a way

After a few weeks and one innocent Sunday, we had a family gathering together with my cousins and relatives. It was a grand lunch buffet at Circles restaurant, Shangri-la, Makati.
It was possibly the best lunch buffet I've ever had and I truly enjoyed the experience.

salmon and oysters were delightfully fresh

foie gras!

Not really expecting to go anywhere after the feast since I'm so burnt out, the conversation somehow shifted to my cousins goal to fulfill life balance and how she was looking for the right spiritual community to grow in.

I simply mentioned the church I used to go to which is Victory, Greenhills and she became quite excited about it saying that her friends are also recommending her to join.

Seeing her curious and enthusiastic, I now find myself accompanying them to show what Victory Church is all about.

They were in for a surprise!
It wasn't any typical Catholic church where people read in monotonous tones and sang the same old solemn songs.

Everything was so much alive and beaming with energy. From the band, to the singers, the lights and the pastor's voice.

It was a new and life changing experience for them to know that such a lively church exists.

The topic for that day was Healing - how to claim God's promises for abundant health in your life.

I thought it was just going to be a simple listen-only service. Little did I know we were going to discover how to become healers as Jesus intended it to be.
How?
By pairing everyone and guiding us step by step to perform healing on each other.

The promise
Jesus has died for our sins and redeemed us of all kinds of sickness.

Jesus used the power of the Holy Spirit to heal believers who seek Him in faith

We as believers can also heal others in Jesus name.

The healing process
Jesus commanded healing.
He didn't say lengthy prayers that seemed like pleading or begging.

Since there were three of us, I let my cousins pair themselves and I paired up with a new acquaintance named 'Sally'

Each person will reveal to the other what sort if sickness or ailment they are currently facing. And each person will command healing to each other.

The prayer
Lay your hands over the area where healing is needed
With conviction and faith, say out
"In Jesus name, (your sickness), I rebuke you. Amen"

As simple as that.

After the activity, A lot of people claimed to feel better and were sharing their experiences with the pastor. I became concerned if my cousins would find this practice very odd since it was their first time attending a Christian service. But instead, they also claimed to have felt better and feel some sort if healing.

For myself, I requested my slight neck pain and emotional pain to be healed.

My neck did feel better. I felt a soft electrifying sensation in my neck and the pain subsided.

As for my emotional pain, I can't really say it has healed me completely (yet) but i came to realize that I must not completely give up seeking God's word and that life burn out I've been feeling for the past few weeks have somehow faded.
Well, at least enough to keep me going and believing again.

And Sally, my healing acquaintance whispered to me,
"whatever you are going through
God now sets you free
For He wants to fill and heal your heart"

Thoughts After
I've never encountered such deep application of prayer and faith in Victory Church. It was that one rare service I could have missed if not for my cousin's burning curiosity.

After sharing this story to my friend, she revealed to me that
"God really loves and cares for you
He wants you to be free from bondages you are in.
He wants you to experience life to the full.
Even though you forget about God. He finds a way to pursue you because hat is how much He loves you."

For emotional pain-
"When we want to uproot deep emotional pain, we can't do it ourselves. It takes time and we need to rely on God's grace and strength to fight the battle."

"I'm amazed how God worked on your life that day."

"Christ already won the battle for you. Trust Him completely"

"Surround yourself with people who bring you up"

This ends my quicksand trance and continuation of my journey with faith and love.

I am saved.

I know it's not easy and it's a process.

Are you able to relate to feeling stuck like a quicksand trance? How did you overcome it?

My Fasting and Quiet Time Diary

Growing up a Catholic, fasting wasn't something new to me but to this date, I've never really practiced it nor found the point for it.  I still remember the days our religion teacher was teaching us ways how to fast, but never really explaining what it was for.

This year, I'm undertaking something new to me, encouraged by Victory , a Christian Church I regularly participate just last year.  Every start of the year, they practice a 7-day fasting and prayer, spending quiet time focusing on scripture, reflection and setting faith goals for the year.

After all these years, why now?
I came to a tipping point in life where I wanted to seek divine guidance in my life's direction.  Have you ever asked yourself if the life you're living right now is the way that it should be despite when your life looks and seems okay?  Or maybe, the thinking, Surely, there must be more to life than the usual cycle.

It seemed like the best time to take a short break, emptying myself from being myself

My journey begins...I will document each day but publish it when the final day comes :)


Day 1: 
I started making a list of faith goals and prayers for myself, family, friends, relatives, and also a list I'm grateful for the past years.  I actually felt guilt in the process and realized I could have been selfish at times.
Fasting sounds so easy I thought, I failed Day 1 by half and hope to make it up for Day 2.

Message:  Seek the true word.

Day 2: 
I felt more lost and confused, or rather restless, and impatient after writing down my faith goals.  I also felt regret undertaking this practice and thought maybe I should just quit the idea.
I got depressed, I got bored and thought maybe I'm doing it wrong since it's making me more upset.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to relax and re-read the day's reading.

Message: Accepting Christ is having a new heart, losing our mood for sin.


Day 3: 
Sensing I'm about to call it quits, the title read, "Keep the Faith".  I thought about not publishing this post anymore for my attempt sounded really pathetic.
I realize I give up easily when I do things myself and thought, it's probably better to have someone to involve with in the process.
I rarely ask for help and that's probably my biggest problem as part of life is being a blessing to others and let others be a blessing to you.
I realize there's also danger when you don't express it somehow for you become self absorbed with all your concerns and fail to care for the people around you.
Asking for help is also an act of humbling down yourself.
I failed Day 3 and thought I should probably give up by now and stop trying but then I thought, it's too far to turn back now.

Message: True enough, the message for the day also asked if you are relying on your own effort to achieve your goals and not involving God.

Day 4:
This phrase certainly caught my attention from another book:
"It could be a behavior you've acquired for self-defense, like compulsive overeating or habitual withdrawal from people."
Interestingly, these two behaviors are mentioned together.
I began to reflect, self defense from.. what exactly?

Message: Pray for deliverance from what's holding you back to reveal your true and wonderful self.

Day 5
I lost focus today and became impatient.  Felt burned out from focusing on reading more, my mind went blank.  I slept late, I became restless.
But somehow, I recalled this verse today from Isaiah 55:2
"Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare"

...and got reminded on the dangers of indulging too much on 'worldly' desires.

Message: Are you too self indulgent? What are the things that you are indulgent and addicted on that's taking your time and energy away from God?

Day 6
Feelings of extreme stupidity and embarrassment sinked in for even attempting this whole thing.  I thought today is the day I drop this whole practice and move on.
But somehow, a recent dream began to surface and encouraged me to fulfill it.
Also, I received the greatest answer that struck me as to why I tried in the first place, through a CCF podcast.

Message: Each of us has something that longs for God.  We think that pursuing the things and ideas we want will make us happy.  But later on, once we get everything, we would always feel that some things are still missing.  We feel a vacuum in our hearts and our soul becomes restless.  We end up feeling empty and ask ourselves, "is that all there is to life?"
The proof that we have a God is the restlessness of the human soul.
The emptiness is real.
What would most people do to address the emptiness?
Live in quiet desperation - getting involved with more hobbies, parties, all kinds of activities but refuse to look within.  Living with no real joy and no real peace.
We were designed by God and for God.
James 4:8 "Draw near to God and he will draw near to you"

"It's not wrong to pursue things and ideas, but don't forget to pursue the most important thing, intimacy with God, before it is too late."

Prayer and Fasting - What's really the big idea?
Fasting reveals the things that controls us.  God does not speak louder when we fast, we begin to hear better.

Galatians 5:26
"Let us not become desirous of empty glory, provoking one another, envying one another"

Day 7
I read the last scriptures, listened to a few podcasts and felt a bit disheartened.
It reminded me of the mistakes I made and how ashamed I felt.  I sort of gave up.
I realize I don't deal with fear too well.  Often times, I just run away instead of being open.

Message: Patient endurance.  Secrets are a burden.

Realizations throughout the experience
God wants us to enjoy His love for us.  If a father can give the best for his son, what more a living God?
Because of free will, we have a choice whether to claim His promises and perfect plan for us.

We are not saved by our own works, but our faith and obedience in God

To live in Christ is to love your neighbor as you would love yourself.

Personal thoughts:
Not really proud.  Half the time I distracted myself in other things.  Might not have dealt with things right.  But I should ask for forgiveness and not be too hard.
Let go of the fears and just get it out there.
There's hope in being renewed.

Have you had breakthroughs after your fasting and prayer experience?

What to Do When Lies Become Truths and Impressions Towards You at Work?

Have you ever had someone say things about you which aren't even true?  It's only natural that we face this everyday.  The hardest situation is when those lies become truths to the people that have been told.
Especially your boss.

I work remotely.
No office, no transportation worries, no putting up with a fake disposition to anybody.
All I need is a stable internet connection and a decent computer.

The deal with remote-based jobs
To alot of people I've shared about the nature of my job, the first replies I usually get are, "Wow that's so nice!  Wish I had a job just like that!"

They all think about not having to get out of bed too early, not having to worry about hours wasted in traffic, more time for themselves and stuff.  In short, the 'convenience'

Do take note that this 'convenience' comes with a heavy price as well.  It is a whole new lifestyle to adapt to that requires more discipline to get things done.

For the first few months, yes, you'll feel free from all the morning routine crap you go through before reaching your workplace.  Hallelujah !

Then your mind starts to feel 'caged' for seeing the same environment day and night til the next workday.

You have no physical contact with coworkers to talk or hangout with after hours.

Depression and paranoia can sink in confusing you into thinking, am I in the right career?

At some point, you will even find yourself sick from using the computer even if it's for entertainment.

The danger
While there are some forms of convenience.
Most of the time, you only have yourself to rely on to do your job.
You resolve technical issues + shoulder maintenance cost (if any should arise to get the job done) instead of relying on your IT department
You go through online training instead of the usual training and team building opportunities most companies have.

The perks
You manage your own time but still keep in line with the project's timeline.
Stay close to the people you live with at home.
Work from any location- your home, your friend's home, or even your local coffee shop.

And this "just in case I'm in the coffee shop impression" is what has concerned me.

When impressions become truths
Apparently, my boss still has an impression that I run off to the coffee shop quite frequently even today for it was casually mentioned in a voice call.

Not that I am overly upset or anything.  I just do not know how to classify my reaction but let's just say that it's not a good feeling when people have an impression that's not even half true.

I guess what I am truly bothered about is how others can stir stories and tell them as if they were facts of my work life.

It can be natural to feel upset or feel the need to fend for yourself.

But I chose to feel 'okay' about it.

Feel Okay? What do you mean! someone just said stuff about you which isn't true.  Shouldn't you go confront them or something?

When I mean 'okay'.  I chose not to feel bitter and keep the faith.
It reminded me of what Joel Osteen has talked about in his podcast #518, explaining Psalm 27
"Challenges may come your way, but you are not worried about it.  You know it can't touch you.  No weapon formed against you can prosper"


"People may be talking, trying to make you look bad but you don't give any thought about it.  You know your future is too great to be distracted.  You know they don't control your destiny but God does.  So you just keep on, being your best, walking in integrity"


Some verses for dealing with work:
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men" 
Colossians 3:23

"We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it"
1 Corinthians 4:12


Hope this helps you break free from feeling discouraged with your everyday work life.

*Update: Friday, November 11
I'm in shock and in awe.  My boss gave me an unexpected bonus!  Thank you God, you are so true to your word.

I'm so touched

Drifting through Apocalypse

Have you ever had apocalyptic dreams? (or should they be called nightmares?)
I have, one too many.  From tsunamis and hurricanes that destroy cities and my least favorite of all, zombie invasion.

Last night I had another series of apocalyptic visions and familiar faces.  This time, instead of seeing destruction from afar, I'm now in the middle of it.

Vision 1:
Night time.
Place seemed like an old ruin with fire torches along the pillars.
This is the closest picture I could find (without the chairs)

There were people gathered around, observing the stars.  I've never seen so many stars, each white dot seemingly getting bigger as you stare at them for awhile.  Then the view changes, a big block was floating in the air towards the viewers.  It was as if someone had mind-lifted one of the pillars outside and brought it over the watching crowd.
Slowly, slowly it moved closer.  Everyone puzzled, stunned and unsure what to do.
Until everyone screamed for the pillar was being pulled towards us.  Me specifically.
I saw the pillar falling, aiming for me.  I couldn't move.
Everything became black upon its fall.

Vision 2:
Mid afternoon.  Heavy, and I do mean heavy rainfall.
I was in a white wooden house, with green lacy curtains on accordion windows.
There were a number of rooms and beds laying around.  I was under the impression we had just evacuated our homes due to flood.  I saw my relatives and cousins in the same house.  There were other people coming in who seem to know my relatives and were also taking refuge in that white house.
On impulse, I called 2 friends from overseas telling them to leave their homes for it was going to collapse any minute.  Apparently, they already knew about it and took refuge in a tent.
Then featured on the television, buildings tilted and collapsed as if someone had pushed the building.

Vision 3
Sadly, my brain deleted this and I couldn't really remember details of it lol.

There are some that regard dreams and nightmares as something to be prevented and I've been given lots of how-to's.  The most bizarre of all was to remove mirrors around the room and didn't follow until now (sorry my good friend xD)
I'm quite fascinated by dreams and why you get those kind of dreams based on what you go through in your daily life.
Do dreams have symbols or meaning?
For fun, here's what I found for this recent dream:

Apocalypse 
To dream of the apocalypse signifies an emotional and dramatic change taken place within yourself. The dream may also indicate the end of one kind of lifestyle and the beginning of another.

Ruins 
To�see ruins in your dream suggest that you are neglecting aspects of your life or that it is falling apart. You feel you are self-destructing. It is time to get on the right path.

Rain 
To see and hear rain falling symbolizes forgiveness and grace. Falling rain is also a metaphor for tears, crying and sadness. 

Building 

To see a building in ruins or damaged indicates that your approach toward a situation or relationship is all wrong. You need to change. Your own self-image may have suffered and taken some blow.

To dream that a building collapses indicates that you are losing sight of your ambitions and goals. Your pursuit for material gains is failing.

Have you ever had apocalyptic dreams? What was your worst nightmare?

Quality Time with a Typhoon - Pedring (Nesat)

Typhoon Pedring (international name Nesat) was a smashing hit on its tour to the Philippines last Sept 27, 2011.
Trees, billboards and power lines fainted upon its presence playing pancake wars with unsuspecting passersby and stuck vehicles.


Power couldn't resist to make a statement to her fans and when the storm started, millions of households had their candles and cigarette lighters lit up to sing together a confused tune against the howling winds.

Cold, dim and no power, suddenly the life you know paused and you are left thinking, "so what now?"

Over the last 2 years I have been working remotely from home or more popularly known as 'home-based' or 'work at home' Internet job.

One fine workday Tuesday, Pedring decided to get the attention and paralyzed my office ceasing any online related activity.

It also made me realize that apart from work, I spend too much time on the computer even for the seemingly fun stuff such as Facebook, Games and Chat.

I took one long nap that day. Catching up all the sleep hours lost due to insomnia. A vicious cycle I'm striving to break.
Most of the time, I can't seem to stop my brain from thinking about different random things.

I also started reading a sales copywriting book to pass the downtime.

Non pill solutions to insomnia would be great! Know any? Do let me know. Fast!

The Dengue Encounter that touched my heart

Never have dengue.
It is one nasty experience.

You can't eat
You can't move
You don't have the mood for anything but sleep.
You wish the chills, aches and especially the worst itch sensation that happens underneath your skin would go away so you can sleep peacefully.
You keep fearing if your blood platelets would drop beyond normal, requiring you to undergo blood transfusion... and to find that out, you would have to endure all the nurses poking your veins and extracting your already decreasing blood every 12 hours.

I had survived dengue (again)
I probably wouldn't forget my confine date this year, 9-11-11.
Ten years after the 9-11 tragedy.
Twelve years after my first dengue encounter.
I went back to the same hospital at Cardinal Santos.
Amazingly, they still had my old record and which doctor diagnosed me.

In the beginning,
It was just an ordinary day.
It all started with one Wednesday morning when I decided to take a power nap. I know you must be wondering why take a nap in the morning? I wondered too.
Little did I know, I would wake up feeling aches all over and chills. I struggled to complete my tasks for the day for all I wanted to do was lie down and hope this uncomfortable feeling would pass.

*Thursday-the start of a chilly nightmare
It was hard to move with all the aching joints especially the back. The day was sunny yet I felt really chilly and at the same time sweating all over. I kept requesting for a hot compress using an organic pillow for my back ache was unbearable. We also realized our thermometers were missing for people in my household rarely got fevers.
I just assumed to myself it must be really high for me to feel chilly on a sunny day.

*Friday, Saturday
Now armed with a thermometer, realized temperatures stuck at 40•C or decimals shy from it. I was red all over, like a crab, they all say.
I didn't want to eat nor move and just sleep, hoping to get better.

*Sunday - the missed family gathering and the night of confinement.
Upon hearing the news of my high fever and rash-like symptoms, friends and relatives recommended me to have a blood exam for dengue since it's an outbreak (again).
Very reluctantly, I dragged myself to get ready for every move was a painful torture accompanied by excessive sweat and dizziness.

Turns out, I was really dengue positive after all and got myself confined that night.

The next night, I was transferred to another room for I had a roommate. My younger brother also contracted dengue.

We also found out that one of our neighbors was also confined in the same hospital.

Sounds unbelievable and funny doesn't it?

There's more-
The neighbor told us that two more neighbors got confined at a different hospital.

And there goes the plot for Contagion 2.

Kidding aside,
Despite the suffering and medical bills, I find my confinement to be a renewing and very touching experience.

Are you crazy? Why?

During my confinement, I didn't really feel any fear no matter what happens. Deep down I always told myself that I know in my heart that God knows what's best for me and remembering that promise was enough to calm me each time my mind would start to think about all the possible consequences.

God revealed to me all the real people who showed true care and concern. Each visit, each wish and message of concern from friends, colleagues and family truly touched my heart.

You start to think about life priorities more seriously and swear to take care of your health more. Don't stop to dream dreams that matter and chase them.

*This post was written from an iPod touch while trying to sleep*

(Damn I feel my insomnia creeping back lol.)

Til then, live with good care.

P.S. I got discharged on Sept 16, and my bro on Sept 17. My hand still feels the pain from the IV, and my arm still has bruise marks from the blood extractions. Rashes been fading everyday though a faint color can still be seen.
Recovering by sleeping, eating, praying, reading, and reconnecting since then.

But what the heck, glad it's all over.
Never want to see this sight again