In TV and movies, they often show dads who are supportive, patient, kind, and loving towards their children's development and safety.
But there's also the popular scenario where parents are or going through divorce, kids walking out when each of them tries to see someone else to move on with their lives, the nagging, the screaming, the hurting and everyone wants to quit, just like that.
But in truth, how many dads are actually good role models?
My love for Dad
One day, God revealed to me that I still hold all the bitterness I have for my dad in a test of faith.
It happened on a normal Sunday while on the way to the Church.
One of the behaviors of my dad was to either instantly switch the conversation topic or pretend he didn't hear anything by looking around then commenting something else even when you're addressing him.
Slightly upset but not wanting to cause an argument, I slammed the door a little forceful than usual and still ended up what I was trying to avoid. Rofl.
Pissed, he screamed and left us with the crowd wondering and watching.
Walking towards church,I ended up furious, murmuring curses and venting my anger to my mom.
Can you imagine how ironic it was? Going to church carrying anger when Christianity teaches:
"Honor your father and mother. Love your neighbor as yourself."
"But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell. (Matthew 5:22 NLT)"
I have been reading the book of Matthew lately as long advised by my friend and group leader. That last verse was a direct slap to my face.
I felt so much like a hypocrite and ashamed of attending Church. Thought of almost giving up of continuing any religion altogether.
But, I had no choice, for I invited my cousin to join me that Sunday.
I jokingly thought to myself, did God plant an insurance to keep me going? I never thought of inviting my cousin until the day before.
God's spoke?
We had a family gathering afterwards for it was a day before Chinese New Year and an advanced celebration of my aunt's birthday.
Afterwards, me and my family headed to Greenbelt to catch some movies.
It was during this time I heard a compelling voice within me that said, "This is the perfect time to apologize"
I felt I couldn't resist, so I swallowed my pride, and told my dad I'm sorry, and before I said anything further, he just asked, "Where do you want to eat"
Part of me wanted to laugh and part of me just got reminded of his annoying behavior.
But this time, it didn't matter so much and figured, it's probably his way of expressing "it's alright I still love you."
The history
When I was younger, I had so much hatred for my dad. I didn't want to see his face so much that when he arrived home, I would close my room door to avoid seeing him.
I had even visualized seeing him stabbed to death by someone and in a coffin.
You must be horrified to see such hatred.
And I am horrified to find out how horrible I am to come up with such thoughts.
As a child, I was sometimes beaten by the belt, leaving marks until the next day or two. My classmates even asked what they were and I didn't know what to answer. I still remember how tired I felt after such incident.
Sometimes while in the car, he threatened me to get off and leave me on the streets.
The most unforgettable experience was being dragged in or out of the room, yanking my hair which left me crying all night.
These happened as early as 4 to 5 years old and I still remember them til this day.
a broken image
As I grew older, I came to know certain realities and wondered how my mom ever coped with such a person.
His favoriteMy dad loves alcohol. He loves it so much that quite often he comes home drunk. It was even more amazing how he still manages to get home.
His best friends
Television and food are his best friends. He could be a couch potato all day. Think Homer Simpson. Yes even the outfit as well. (just the bottom one). Watching The Simpsons was always a delight. I even remember being scolded by my mom for still watching cartoons when she expects me to watch informative shows until one day, she found it relevant with her life and watched together with us from there on. rofl
No time
Dad prioritized going out with his friends first than family. Doesn't get involved much on knowing who we are and what we do.
Negative and critical
My dad's mindset is unique. He always nagged me over and over to strive for honors. That in itself may sound good, but he would always compare us with other kids saying, "Look at person A, 1st honor, Person B, 2nd honor, you don't have honor."
I guess this type of negative motivation can be a challenge for some people to prove them wrong but not for me during that time.
Why?
- I hated the fact that he expects me to listen to him when he doesn't really get involved with what I do.
- He just dictates and doesn't show any of the attitudes he advises making him a hypocrite.
and he replied "Di bo papa lo" (You don't have a dad anymore). It was his usual line to end the argument and passing the blame to me as if it were my fault to cause this whole thing.
Defeated and stubborn attitude
Everyday he would comment about how the world is hard, how business is bad, and other things that convinces him to not do anything anymore or even try. The more you convince him, the more he'll find reasons and excuses.
The Dad effect
As a result, I constantly worry what I should do in life after school. I became quite withdrawn and isolated myself from most people. Having a foundation of negative thinking will certainly result to depression and I've struggled with it constantly. I'd arrive home from school crying, thinking of painless ways just to end my life. But I wasn't ready to face the outcome of the pain back then.
Before this turns into an all drama and vent post, you may be wondering what's my purpose for enumerating the past when I should be moving on with my own life?
Because, I just want to share that he's still a perfect dad.
Wait.. are you serious? perfect?
God's perfect time to save me.
In time of my greatest despair, I was fortunate to have a very good friend who invited me to a weekly group gathering, studying the bible and sincerely praying for each other. It gave me hope in life and the start of my healing process.
So what have I learned?
I'm grateful to God that despite these hurts, I am protected by His grace.
Because of my dad's negative and critical mindset, I learned to keep in mind the words I use so that I won't insult or discourage anyone for I know how sucky it can be.
I also saw and experienced how a defeated mindset can paralyze you, stopping you from ever growing.
It's not a good feeling to be always compared with other people. Focus on discovering and celebrating your own unique strength and abilities.
Instead of viewing unspent time to you as neglect, enjoy it as having free time to yourself.
Patience and looking beyond anger - when dealing with an angry person, be calm, be quiet. If you must respond, speak gently. Anger is a temporary and abnormal state of mind. Hold your ground and say to yourself not to take it personally. What matters is what the person does afterwards for it will reveal his true character. The solution.
Above all else, always rely on God. He is the best father you could ever have. We can't comprehend how His method makes sense but rest on His faithful heart and timing that it's for our best.
It's also in God's hands to transform people. You can only pray for them and control your own heart.
There are no perfect things nor people, but you can choose to grow a perfect heart to deal with everyday life.
And lastly, each one is a work in progress. Just remember to push 'up'
I can't say I'm completely strong now for I can still feel very insecure at times. But I hold on to this:
"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. (Ezekiel 36:26 NLT)"
Dad today
Has my dad changed?
Gradually, he's a work in progress.
What is your idea of a perfect dad?
