Just a Phase of Life

Posted by Carolyn Grace on Saturday, April 14, 2012 · Leave a Comment 

I woke up and pressed random buttons on my phone, the clocked popped and showed 2:49 a.m.

“Oh man”, I thought.

Broken sleep again.

But this time, it wasn’t due to any of the nurses going in and out of the room checking up on her.

My sleep gets randomly interrupted sometimes for no apparent reason.

Tonight seems more quiet and less monitored than the night before.

I lifted my head and checked how my grandmom’s breathing.

She seems peacefully asleep with her arms raised above her head.

I stretched and roamed around the room until I heard her breathe faster and heavier.

I stopped and wondered if I should call the nurse to check on her but at the same time, I didn’t want to be overly panicky and hope she was just having a dream.

Thankfully after a few minutes, she breathed normally.

I tried to imitate her normal breathing cycle, it seems much faster than how I am  and less deep.

I just can’t imagine right now that there’ll be a phase in your life where you’ll spend some time on a hospital bed during your old age.

or  seeing my own mom in the hospital bed suffering from life threatening ailments.

A few days ago, I asked my mom how she felt seeing her mom on the hospital bed for the first time,

“Scared”, she replied, “but then it’s just a phase of life.”

Troubled heart

My grandmom suffered aortic stenosis which affected her breathing.  It started on April’s best timing, holy Wednesday.

In the Philippines, Holy week is a long public holiday which officially starts on Thursday and ends on Easter Sunday.  Most plan their holidays out of town or out of the country or religiously follow rituals, recollections- taking time to reflect on the death of Jesus Christ.

I was one among those who spent their holiday out of the country, together with my relatives and family.

I could only imagine the tensed situation my other relatives experienced the day it happened.

A close call between conscious and brain dead.

As of the moment, she has already been transferred to a regular room from the intensive care ward.

Members of the family take turns taking care of her on different shifts.  Someone has to be there at all times.

Having a flexible and mobile working environment, It was suggested that I take the overnight shift.

Life’s way of telling you that it’s your turn

Life’s quite funny.  We all start out helpless as children only to end up helpless as well when we reach old age.

Only this time, roles are reversed.  It’s now the children’s turn to take care of their parents, and continue on with their own children.

It’s like nature’s insurance program.  Parents, you’d know if your love was worth the effort when it’s time.

This occurrence was also a wake up call for me, to start living better than yesterday.

A chance to show back the love

Our grandmom mostly took care of us grandchildren when we were newly born.  It’s her tradition.

I still have photos of her taking care of me as a baby and recently took care of me as well when I was confined in the hospital.

I realize that it’s not easy seeing a loved one on a hospital bed with IV’s and extra devices.  It can be quite scary.

I tried to keep a cheerful smile and voice despite the lack of sleep taking toll at times trying to make her feel it’s all going to be better.

I found myself praying with her one night before she went to sleep despite I still have lingering doubts with Christianity.

I felt like a hypocrite.  But I just wanted to make her feel peaceful.

Interestingly the next day my grandmom requested me to pray with her again.

Doctors are giving positive reports so far and I hope she will be released soon and well.

Though I’ve also heard horrible consequences as well from other families who have experienced this.

I hope not.

But then again, just like my mother said, “It’s just a phase of life to go through”

**Update 1 May 2012**

I heard that the catheter has been removed and she is being toilet trained to live a normal human life.  It will be her 5th week soon in the hospital.

Salute to all nurses dealing more of these things everyday.

**Update 28 April 2012**

The doctor came by this morning and remarked her vital signs are quite good.   Some of the medications are gradually being decreased and now monitoring her bladder control.  At my grandmom’s home, preparations are being made to care for her in-house along with some special equipment.

It’s interesting how she can tell lots of stories with one simple question I ask.

She talked about how prayer worked miracles in her life.

How she prayed for people who didn’t treat her right.

Stories about how she overcame her struggles with my great great grandmother and other family challenges she encountered.

Stories how my great grandmother trained them as children.  My great grandmother actually experienced foot binding yikes!

**Update 27 April 2012**

It’s my overnight shift again at the hospital.
In my personal observation, her breathing pattern seems much slower now than the previous nights I’ve stayed.
It’s been an interesting night so far.
My grandmom suddenly had the mood to tell me stories about her love life.
How she and my grandfather met, How sweet they treat each other currently and rarely fight.
My grandad even got teary eyed after they spoke on the phone. Awwwww 
She also told me stories about her suitors and her decisions. How matches were made in the past. Apparently there were professional matchmaking agents lol.
She also shared her motherly instincts, how she knew when her child has a deep problem.
It’s the first time I saw her laugh and smile during my stay.
Hope she’ll be released soon!
Thank you for all your prayers.

**Update 25 April 2012**

She threw up recently. We suspect its due to the antibiotics instructed by the doctor.
Her appetite decreased as well.

**Update 20 April 2012**

A relapse occurred. Almost the same condition when she was admitted.
Please pray for her. Thanks

Discovering Adhoc Wifi

What would you do when you need internet on your mobile device but there’s no wifi network available?

This was our dilemma tonight.

Our internet connection was wired and shared through LAN.

But Google gave us much hope!

Apparently you could turn your laptop into a wifi hotspot! I didn’t know that until tonight.

The first search result I found was fromLifehacker’s site – Turn Your Windows 7 PC Into a Wireless Hotspot.  I followed the steps but failed at some point.  Had errors about failing to enable ICS and other stuff but thankfully an easier way also popped up in the search results and that’s Connectify - it’s a tool that allows you to share your wired internet connection over your laptop’s wireless card.  Instant wifi hotspot without going through the steps in Windows manually.  Install, set a password, choose your internet and start sharing!

Just happy to share!

Maybe at some point in time I’d go back to figuring out what went wrong setting it up manually, but tonight, don’t need the mess! haha

Rebuilding My Gracious Life Blog

The most amazing thing happened recently.

I got locked out from logging in my site due to php errors.

I failed to backup the database where I had my posts but backed up the folders and files which was pretty much useless or I just didn’t know better.

[View original post:]

I had to do a total reinstall of WordPress for I didn’t know how to repair the line errors anymore.

Devastated I lost my updated posts and had no backup,  I sought Google Cache for help!

and thankfully, it stored a copy.

Will be relaunching this blog soon!!

Thanks for your patience.

Certainly learned a very important lesson in BUBYTA!

back up before you touch anything!

Faith, Religion and Me

When I was young, I looked forward to "Simbang Gabi", wherein you have to attend mass as early as 4am in the morning for 9 days.  Not that I knew what it was for, but I enjoyed exploring a different side of our neighborhood before dawn.  Dark and very quiet.  However after the mass, it was quite lively and bright with all the night markets serving native delicacies.

So years went by and the fascination wore off...
and grew up half hating attending the Catholic mass.
it was lifeless
it was meaningless
I didn't understand the purpose of standing, kneeling, chanting a thousand prayers, beating yourself to death, and crowded processions.
Some of the people dutifully practicing the so called rituals don't even have the holiest of attitudes.

However, there is still a part of me that wants to fully explore the realness of a God.

So have I really found God yet?
Honestly, I want to confidently say so.
But lately I am a little bothered.

There's still a part of me that questions the origin of the bible.
Is it really real?
Is it really from God?
How did these authors come up with such stories?
Why do people consider it as a book from God?
Why are there other religions?

Just try doing a google search "Is the Bible Real" and you'll be shaken about the results.

Although its word is quite insightful and has a life changing effect.  I still can't help but think if it's just a variation of "think positive" methods but relying on an imaginary third person.

My First Winter in Korea

It's summer once again!  The only time I enjoy the hot weather is when I'm on the beach!
Everywhere else is just dreadful (haha).
It's during these warm times you begin to miss cooler weather and vice versa.

Last December 2008, Me and my family have been blessed to visit Korea during the start of its winter season.

Breathtaking winter scene
It was actually my first time to experience winter!
The best experience was being able to try skiing at Jisan Ski Resort and see mountains of snow for the first time!!!
I've only seen snow in pictures and in film.  There were no words except for "woooooow!!" when I saw it in real life. hahaha

Entrance

Ski grounds

Skiing looked easy, but I slipped when I tried my first baby slope.  It didn't hurt at all however it was really hard to stand back up while you had the skis on.  The chills I felt when I first arrived at the resort were gone after the ski exercise and ended up very hungry hahaha.

Modern city while maintaining Korean heritage
It puzzles and amazes me how Koreans, Japanese, Chinese and a few other Asian countries somewhat share the same designs in architecture, clothing, and handwriting.
During our stay we were able to visit these culture-rich places:

Suwon Fortress walls

Suwon Fortress

Changgyeonggung

Highlights of the Trip
Korean culture shared by our wonderful tour guide Alice

• Most Koreans are very loyal to local products
• On the road, most of them are on the rush "pali pali" (hurry hurry) when they accidentally bump into you, don't take it seriously and most of them wouldn't apologize either.
• Dining culture:
• In restaurants, regular tables with normal chairs are mostly reserved for the elderly.  The rest sit on the floor.
• The reason their rice bowls are made of metal is to prevent it from moving so much while eating.  You must never lift up the metal rice bowl as it drains your luck away from you.  It is considered disrespectful to some.
• Kimchi holiday - There's actually a public holiday for a week dedicated to preparing kimchi they plan to consume for the entire year as it takes long to prepare.

• Every wife should know how to prepare all the appetizers you notice served to you at Korean restaurants.
• Nutrition - ginseng is a popular health commodity.  Almost everyone has probably taken it during their growing up years.

Other places visited:

Spa Greenland - This is probably the biggest spa I've ever visited in my entire life and a must visit too!  It's a total relaxation place with hydrotherapy pools, sauna rooms with different types of stones used for the walls, and other amenities.

Lotte World and Everland Themepark

Lotte World is more of an indoor themepark with a mall.  I enjoyed the laserlight show which shows before the park closes as well as some of the intense rides.  Also tried the sudden drop ride where you'll be raised up high then drop without warning.

Bad shot, but oh well it's the only one i have

In Everland, I was tricked into riding their horrifying 90 degree drop roller coaster by my brother!!!  I felt my heart pop out and screamed like no tomorrow during that ride!  Would I try it again?  I'm not sure... haha.

Everland at night... yes another bad shot *sigh*

Kimchi Culinary School!

We also had a culinary lesson on how to prepare kimchi!

This tour was arranged by:

Grand Pacific Travel and Tours Corp


Where do you want to go during the warm summer days?

New Found Respect for Jeepney Drivers, from BBC's "Toughest Place to be a Bus Driver"

Unpredictable swerving, rude overtaking, sudden passenger stops and finding yourself cursing at bad driving behaviors is what you'll be doing when you encounter jeepney drivers on the road.
Welcome to the chaotic traffic in Manila where everyday, you pray for your life when you're on the road.

Today I've come across an eye opening video within my Facebook feed that documents the 10 day journey of John West, a professional double decker bus driver from London to the Philippines.
His challenge was to live the life what a jeepney driver faces on the job daily.

To my surprise, this episode had been released for almost a year already.  Just shows how alien I've been with TV.

Respect for striving jeepney drivers like Rogelio Castro

In this series, Rogelio demonstrated to John what skills he would need to survive the day's work.
Driving 12 hours a day in a cramped, manual shift stick jeepney.
Getting fares and breaking down fare changes even while driving along Manila's chaotic traffic.
Getting passengers and dropping them off safely.


and yet... Rogelio's wage for the day was not even close to an hour's wage of what John gets in London.

Watch the touching documentary while it's still available on YouTube

Did this video change your view about them?

A Conversation on Life's Realizations

Last week I had a meaningful conversation with someone close to me.
For privacy, I won't put anything that would identify them since this blog is tied to my personal account.
We mostly shared about insights in life.
While some of them you've probably heard of already.  Well, it's just nice to be reminded once in a while when everything in the world deceives and betrays you.

The need to be accepted even if...
Sometimes we find ourselves having the desire to belong to something for different reasons.
Having a social community is often times healthy.
But what if the need is so great that you find yourself influenced by others' stereotypes and compromise your real self just to maintain the peace and still belong?
Forcing yourself to hang out even though deep inside you feel it's a waste of time, money and tolerating the belittlement they make you feel as well as criticism about their daily lives.
Fearing what they speak of you, giving your time to feed that paranoia.

Being strong with your own identity
As soon as you ask yourself, "What's the point?" then your mind starts to shift differently and be open to realizations.


Upon hearing these sharings, I suddenly began to recall this Bible verse I've read before.
Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
-It simply means to be careful of influences to your mind as it determines your course of action.


The door for change
If you want change in your life, you need to do something.
Stay in the covers and no one can see your worth.

The need for a positive haven
The outside world is harsh.  We all have heard about the positive thinking hype.
But it can be difficult when you're facing the world alone.
It's best to find other positive people who share your goals to empower you.
Your mood can make you like or dislike something.

Success
Success begins with yourself, you have to want it to take action.

Struggles and Dilemmas
You're not alone in your struggles, most people won't show the bad things in their life and keep up a good front.

When life brings you down, what are the life changing realizations you've had?

Still Love Your Perfect Dad

Qualities of a perfect dad. What are they?
In TV and movies, they often show dads who are supportive, patient, kind, and loving towards their children's development and safety.

But there's also the popular scenario where parents are or going through divorce, kids walking out when each of them tries to see someone else to move on with their lives, the nagging, the screaming, the hurting and everyone wants to quit, just like that.

But in truth, how many dads are actually good role models?

My love for Dad
One day, God revealed to me that I still hold all the bitterness I have for my dad in a test of faith.

It happened on a normal Sunday while on the way to the Church.

One of the behaviors of my dad was to either instantly switch the conversation topic or pretend he didn't hear anything by looking around then commenting something else even when you're addressing him.

Slightly upset but not wanting to cause an argument, I slammed the door a little forceful than usual and still ended up what I was trying to avoid. Rofl.
Pissed, he screamed and left us with the crowd wondering and watching.

Walking towards church,I ended up furious, murmuring curses and venting my anger to my mom.

Can you imagine how ironic it was? Going to church carrying anger when Christianity teaches:

"Honor your father and mother. Love your neighbor as yourself."


"But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell. (Matthew 5:22 NLT)"

I have been reading the book of Matthew lately as long advised by my friend and group leader. That last verse was a direct slap to my face.

I felt so much like a hypocrite and ashamed of attending Church. Thought of almost giving up of continuing any religion altogether.

But, I had no choice, for I invited my cousin to join me that Sunday.

I jokingly thought to myself, did God plant an insurance to keep me going? I never thought of inviting my cousin until the day before.

God's spoke?
We had a family gathering afterwards for it was a day before Chinese New Year and an advanced celebration of my aunt's birthday.
Afterwards, me and my family headed to Greenbelt to catch some movies.

It was during this time I heard a compelling voice within me that said, "This is the perfect time to apologize"
I felt I couldn't resist, so I swallowed my pride, and told my dad I'm sorry, and before I said anything further, he just asked, "Where do you want to eat"
Part of me wanted to laugh and part of me just got reminded of his annoying behavior.

But this time, it didn't matter so much and figured, it's probably his way of expressing "it's alright I still love you."

The history
When I was younger, I had so much hatred for my dad. I didn't want to see his face so much that when he arrived home, I would close my room door to avoid seeing him.

I had even visualized seeing him stabbed to death by someone and in a coffin.

You must be horrified to see such hatred.

And I am horrified to find out how horrible I am to come up with such thoughts.

As a child, I was sometimes beaten by the belt, leaving marks until the next day or two. My classmates even asked what they were and I didn't know what to answer. I still remember how tired I felt after such incident.

Sometimes while in the car, he threatened me to get off and leave me on the streets.

The most unforgettable experience was being dragged in or out of the room, yanking my hair which left me crying all night.

These happened as early as 4 to 5 years old and I still remember them til this day.

a broken image
As I grew older, I came to know certain realities and wondered how my mom ever coped with such a person.

His favorite
My dad loves alcohol. He loves it so much that quite often he comes home drunk. It was even more amazing how he still manages to get home.

His best friends
Television and food are his best friends. He could be a couch potato all day. Think Homer Simpson.  Yes even the outfit as well.  (just the bottom one).  Watching The Simpsons was always a delight.  I even remember being scolded by my mom for still watching cartoons when she expects me to watch informative shows until one day, she found it relevant with her life and watched together with us from there on. rofl

No time
Dad prioritized going out with his friends first than family. Doesn't get involved much on knowing who we are and what we do.

Negative and critical
My dad's mindset is unique.  He always nagged me over and over to strive for honors.  That in itself may sound good, but he would always compare us with other kids saying, "Look at person A, 1st honor, Person B, 2nd honor, you don't have honor."
I guess this type of negative motivation can be a challenge for some people to prove them wrong but not for me during that time.
Why?

1. I hated the fact that he expects me to listen to him when he doesn't really get involved with what I do.
2. He just dictates and doesn't show any of the attitudes he advises making him a hypocrite.

One night, I really got pissed off and replied back, "Why do you keep on comparing, do you want me to compare you to the other dads in this neighborhood?"
and he replied "Di bo papa lo" (You don't have a dad anymore).  It was his usual line to end the argument and passing the blame to me as if it were my fault to cause this whole thing.

Defeated and stubborn attitude
Everyday he would comment about how the world is hard, how business is bad, and other things that convinces him to not do anything anymore or even try.  The more you convince him, the more he'll find reasons and excuses.

The Dad effect
As a result, I constantly worry what I should do in life after school.  I became quite withdrawn and isolated myself from most people.  Having a foundation of negative thinking will certainly result to depression and I've struggled with it constantly.  I'd arrive home from school crying, thinking of painless ways just to end my life. But I wasn't ready to face the outcome of the pain back then.

Before this turns into an all drama and vent post, you may be wondering what's my purpose for enumerating the past when I should be moving on with my own life?

Because, I just want to share that he's still a perfect dad.

Wait.. are you serious? perfect?

God's perfect time to save me.
In time of my greatest despair, I was fortunate to have a very good friend who invited me to a weekly group gathering, studying the bible and sincerely praying for each other.  It gave me hope in life and the start of my healing process.

So what have I learned?
I'm grateful to God that despite these hurts, I am protected by His grace.

Because of my dad's negative and critical mindset, I learned to keep in mind the words I use so that I won't insult or discourage anyone for I know how sucky it can be.

I also saw and experienced how a defeated mindset can paralyze you, stopping you from ever growing.

It's not a good feeling to be always compared with other people. Focus on discovering and celebrating your own unique strength and abilities.

Instead of viewing unspent time to you as neglect, enjoy it as having free time to yourself.

Patience and looking beyond anger - when dealing with an angry person, be calm, be quiet. If you must respond, speak gently. Anger is a temporary and abnormal state of mind. Hold your ground and say to yourself not to take it personally. What matters is what the person does afterwards for it will reveal his true character. The solution.

Above all else, always rely on God. He is the best father you could ever have. We can't comprehend how His method makes sense but rest on His faithful heart and timing that it's for our best.

It's also in God's hands to transform people. You can only pray for them and control your own heart.

There are no perfect things nor people, but you can choose to grow a perfect heart to deal with everyday life.

And lastly, each one is a work in progress. Just remember to push 'up'

I can't say I'm completely strong now for I can still feel very insecure at times. But I hold on to this:

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. (Ezekiel 36:26 NLT)"

Dad today
Has my dad changed?
Gradually, he's a work in progress.

What is your idea of a perfect dad?